Poem of Shannon.

DEAD MAN'S EYES

Watching the Moon

through a dead man's eyes,

I Thought again

of you.

of quiet coffee games

played

safe

in the minatour's

maze.

While monsters raged outside

thin pain-flecked walls

and a

traitor's Alice

stood watch,

smiling.

As I spat razors

and your

huge hand

on my belly

stilled starvation

with grave-yard

warmth and

I still don't

know how.

How many miles

away

from you,

I'll run,

till I find the

sun

and my feet

planted in

earthy loam

that tastes of

ashtrays,

and amber.

Remembering only

your hands in

my hair.

I wonder where

today would be

if the chasm

closed and only

I were brave

enough to stay.

Requiem for the basil.

Well, the basil did not survive. The temperatures last night were too much. I'm currently plucking and drying all the existing, wilted leaves to use as a dry spice for the rest of the winter. It's sad. They were so beautiful. The house smells of basil as we dry the leaves in the oven, which we leave open to keep the front part of the house warm. Two birds with one electricity outlay, and all that.

I'm sad today. Stress and hormones, I think, but sad. This multitude of wilted leaves seems to match my feeling of weight pressing down on me. I know it's just the worry about a job. I know it will pass.

But today, it's wilted basil and me.

So, I'm poor.

It's an odd thing, I can remember having "money", not ever being RICH mind you, but having "money".

I remember paying for cable, I remember $300 dollar trips to the grocery, I remember $400 electric bills and $900 rent, I remember making payments on other people's cars. I remember being in a position to let all those people "crash" at my place, A, L, J, D, and others that I don't recall.

I remember. And I can't say I begrudge any of those decisions. Especially having a place I could open to those in need.

But? I don't miss it.

I find my habits have changed.

Now, I watch movies and TV shows on clicker and hulu, my grocery bill for a month rarely tops $100. I have not had central heat or air conditioning for over 2 years.

Sure, right now I'm "poor", I'm getting down to the "nitty-gritty" stage of needing another job. But living this way meant I had a "pad" of over 3 months savings to work with when I was suddenly fired. This is not counting my Ameritrade account, which I haven't touched and is still up 20% from the investment I made less than 5 months ago. Yea, I am poor.

Tonight's dinner:

chicken breast ($3.05 on three chicken breasts only one was used, the other two will be dinner tomorrow).

3 hand-fulls of rice (from a bag I paid 11.00 for over a year ago, so I'll call that $1.)

2 bullion cubes (the off brand, 24 for 1.40 and change)

4 jalapenos (from the garden, so free as those plants have produced long past cost of the plants, but we'll say $1 to be fair)

4 cloves garlic (I don't know, say $.50? for the whole head)

water ( included in the cost of my rent, so free)

electricity ( I paid $56 for electricity this month, so $1.75 for the whole day)

onion powder ($1 at the dollar store)

black pepper ($1 at the dollar store)

paprika ($1 at the dollar store)

so a very generous total for our dinner tonight, and lunch tomorrow, with leftovers to go in the freezer?

A grand total of 12.15.

Not that much really, we couldn't get 2 burgers and fries for that.

The only concession I made to being "poor" with tonight's dinner? I minced up the chicken skin, with my mezaluna (which everyone on the planet needs one of), and put it back in the broth after I'd de-boned the chicken breast.

Gross? Maybe, but 8 nations were in a situation of nation-wide starvation last year. The protein is good for us, and the fat? Fuck the fat, I'm thinner than I've been in 15 years, and my diet is mostly meat, so my body is telling me, I'm doing OK.

Today, however? I had my freedom. I woke up when my body was ready. I will go to sleep when I'm tired. I searched for a job, I played with the cats, later tonight, I will turn on hulu and crochet while I watch a show. I have not had a migraine since I was fired. I quit taking my meds. for migraine, because when I don't work, I don't need them. No one rifled through my backpack, no one insulted me, no one made snide remarks about me being "too smart" or "too eloquent" no one was disrespectful to me, I did not bite my tongue even once.

Thinking about it, as I was making dinner tonight, I realized (again) that being "poor" is actually a small price to pay for being at peace.